Srila Prabhupada’s Disappearance Day Festival—Part 04

Giriraj Swami: Yesterday, His Holiness Satsvarupa dasa Gosvami Maharaja raised the question of separation, personal association and separation. And I thought of two experiences which I had, one just after I met Srila Prabhupada and one just after Srila Prabhupada departed.

I first came to Srila Prabhupada in 1969, when he gave one lecture at Brandeis University in Boston, and then every day I would go to hear Srila Prabhupada speak. And by observing Srila Prabhupada, by trying the process of Krishna consciousness, by watching the devotees, I became convinced that Srila Prabhupada was perfect in every respect, and that the process that he gave was perfect, and the mission he established was perfect. I was completely satisfied. Then after two weeks, Srila Prabhupada was to leave Boston to go to Ohio, and all of the devotees accompanied Srila Prabhupada to the airports, and many of them were crying. So, I thought that everything is perfect in Krishna consciousness, but here is the defect. The defect is that Srila Prabhupada cannot stay with us, he has to go. Whenever I had some question, I would ask the other devotees, if I didn’t have the chance to ask Srila Prabhupada directly. So, I asked one of the devotees at the airports about separation, that everyone was crying and Srila Prabhupada was leaving. The devotee replied Srila Prabhupada had said that on the absolute platform, there is no difference between meeting and separation, both are transcendental ecstasy. I heard the answer, but I was not fully convinced. Every day we used to do hari-nāma-saṅkīrtana in different parts of Boston City, and after two or three days, we were chanting Hare Krishna in front of one subway station, and suddenly, while chanting, some experience of Srila Prabhupada’s presence came over me, and I felt definitely Srila Prabhupada is present, and everything he said is true, and everything about Krishna consciousness is perfect. Then we tried to serve for so many years.

Then, in Kartik of 1977, after our Srila Prabhupada departed and wondering how we will continue without him. Then, in accordance with Srila Prabhupada’s last request, we took him in his deity form to Govardhana, and did parikramā of Govardhana Hill. Finally, we came to Radha-kunda, and the palanquin that was carrying the deity of Srila Prabhupada was brought on the path between Radha-kunda and Shyama-kunda, and the devotees were doing kirtan, and suddenly I had the perception that Srila Prabhupada was still present, that the deity of Srila Prabhupada was actually Srila Prabhupada himself, and that he was still with us. We were with him at Govardhana, and that he was as present as ever. Now again, so many years have passed, and I see that I am not able to feel Srila Prabhupada’s presence the same way as I did when I had the experience a few days after he left Bombay, or a few days after he left this world. If I could feel Srila Prabhupada’s presence, I would be very fortunate, and if I could feel separation from Srila Prabhupada also, I would be very lucky. But most of the time, I don’t feel either, and what to do? How to get Srila Prabhupada’s guidance?

So, by Srila Prabhupada’s arrangements, I was separated from India for some years, and then by his mercy also, I came back, and I realized that the best way that I can feel Srila Prabhupada ‘s presence and get Srila Prabhupada’s guidance is through the association of experienced devotees who know Srila Prabhupada’s will and who knows Srila Prabhupada’s heart and who knows Srila Prabhupada’s mission. And by associating with them and discussing with them, I can slowly begin to understand what Srila Prabhupada actually wanted of me. And if I can’t get the answer from any other way, or before trying any other way, I consult the devotees, and they are actually the ones who have sustained me in the physical absence of Srila Prabhupada. So, I know that Srila Prabhupada’s mercy is such that he has arranged the association of advanced devotees to help me, and I pray to Srila Prabhupada and to the devotees that they will continue to bless me with their association and their instructions. I am very slow to learn, and even after apparently learning, I very quickly forget. So I pray to Srila Prabhupada and to the Vaishnavas not to give up on me, even though I am slow and negligent, but to continue to give their mercy to me, so that one day I can become free from anarthas and aparādhas and all sorts of all of those things that are coming in the way of my relationship and my service to Srila Prabhupada.

I think of one birth by Krishnadasa Kaviraja Gosvami in Śrī Caitanya-caritāmṛta. He presents himself actually, I think for us that, “I am blind, and my path is very difficult. I am slipping and falling at every step, and so I pray to the saints, to the devotees, for their mercy, that they give me the stick of their mercy so that I can continue on my path.

Srila Prabhupada ki jaya!