Retreat—01 My Journey Japa

Giriraj Swami: And I gave the reasons in favor of Madras, and he said, “Yes, that’s all right.” I said, “But then again, I was thinking maybe I should go to Bombay,” and I gave all the reasons in favor of Bombay, and in the exact same tone of voice, without any change of expression, he said, “Yes, that’s all right.” And then I started to get a sinking feeling that this wasn’t working, but I was already sort of committed to this plan, so I went through with it to the end. I said, “But then again, Srila Prabhupada, I was thinking maybe I should just stay in Calcutta.” And I gave the reasons, he said, “Yes, that’s all right.” So, I knew this didn’t work at all, but I was actually happy that my spiritual master couldn’t be tricked by some silly neophyte disciple.

So, I was back to chanting in front of Radha-Govinda and praying, and eventually, I got the insight. It wasn’t even while I was chanting in front of the Deities. It just came, that I should go to Bombay. Then I got really busy, and it was a difficult situation in Juhu. I tried to chant, but I didn’t have that routine like I did in Calcutta, twelve rounds in the temple, but I still would chant loudly, and I wasn’t in a hurry, I would pronounce.

And then during the first Bombay pandal, Srila Prabhupada was giving a lecture in the evening, and I was in charge of the book table, and I guess I wasn’t that conscious. So, there were no customers, so I was chanting, and Srila Prabhupada was sitting on his vyāsāsana, and the book table was over there, and he said something to the effect that one should not disturb the spiritual master with one’s chanting. So, that surprised me, because we all had so much reverence for chanting. Chanting was everything. Chanting was the supreme perfection, but that made me realize that one had to be conscious of other things also, depending on the situation.

Then I guess many years passed, and the next event worthy of note was really the japa retreat in Ohio last year, but there were some events leading up to it. One was someone forwarded, or I don’t know how things travel around on the internet, but someone forwarded a message on the internet by Mahatma Prabhu, “Put an end to courtesy japa.” So, I read that, and I thought, Yeah, it’s a serious business, japa.

And then I don’t remember every detail, but I kept hearing mention of the book called, The Nectarian Glories of the Holy Name by Sacinandana Swami. So, I thought, Well, maybe I should read that. So, I started to read that. That was also increasing my consciousness of japa, especially attentive japa. And then His Holiness Niranjana Swami came to stay with me for a while, and he was very regular. He’d get up, take rest early, eight o’clock, get up at two, and he’d chant really focused rounds. He would do thirty-two rounds, and he would do sixteen before he would do anything else, and then the other sixteen. He would do as much as he could in the morning, but he was sure to complete thirty-two. So, that was another impetus.

So, all of these things sort of helped prepare me for the retreat in Ohio, and the retreat in Ohio was one of the most profound experiences in my life. It was a small group, just godbrothers and godsisters, and I won’t discuss too much about it because we’ll be experiencing something similar here. We might refer to different parts of it as we engage in similar activities here, but it was an extremely deep experience. Of course, first and foremost was our relationship with the holy name, that was the main thing, that was the essence, but it also brought the fellow chanters of the holy name close together, and we saw each other as servants of the holy name, which is our identity.

So, I don’t want to lose this. What I gained from this experience, I don’t want to lose this. So, let’s say I had been invited to visit an island in the Caribbean, and I thought, Well, this could be a good idea to deepen my relationship with the holy name. So, I accepted the invitation, and I didn’t really have any other service there but to chant, and that really was good. I decided I would chant thirty-two rounds a day, and the first few days were very easy. Do sixteen before breakfast, then do another eight, well, could be sixteen, but easily eight between breakfast and lunch, and then another eight in the afternoon.

It was very easy, and then Ekādaśī came, and I thought, Well, do sixty-four on Ekādaśī, which I did, but then something happened that I didn’t expect. I became inspired to preach, specifically to write, and from then on, I was writing most of the morning, and then I had to fit in my thirty-two rounds. Then it was a challenge, but it was also good, because every moment was precious, every moment counted. And so, if I was going to spend even five minutes in some casual activity, I really thought about it carefully first, because five minutes could be one round.

So, that was very good. It ended up being a very productive time for writing, but my main purpose in going was also fulfilled. I really did deepen my relationship with the holy name, and I completed my rounds. The day I was scheduled to leave, there was a hurricane. So, that gave us more time to chant, and then by the time I got another flight, I was able to chant thirty-two rounds for the day I was leaving.

So then, I arrived in Dallas, and I thought, Well, okay now. I thought, Well, sixteen, that’s too little. I’ll do twenty. So, I was doing twenty, and one day, I took a walk at White Rock Lake, which is where I usually walk in Dallas, and as I came around the lake, I was chanting, and I was feeling like these mantras are like blank bullets. There is nothing to them, they are just like empty shelves, and I felt bad about that. To some extent for myself, but more for others, because in Dallas, I had been speaking to some devotees, very sincere devotees, they wanted to follow my advice, but they just weren’t strong enough. They were very sincere, but they just didn’t have the strength, they couldn’t quite follow everything.

I mean, not the four principles, but other things that would have helped them in their spiritual lives, and I thought if I had more potency, I could help them more. The instructions would be the same, I don’t think the instructions would change, but if I just had more potency, it would inspire them, it would enable them to follow better. Like Prabhupada, just by his potency, we were able to do so many extraordinary things, and I was feeling really desperate. It’s not just I was firing blanks, but I wasn’t able to serve the devotees as well as I wanted.

So, anyway, I just kept chanting in that mood of lamentation or whatever, and just chanting, and chanting, and chanting, and without knowing it, I came to thirty-two rounds, and then I suddenly got relief, I don’t know, I felt relief. The chanting was easier, it started to flow. It was a little relish, a little taste. So then, I thought, Well, maybe I’m supposed to be chanting thirty-two rounds a day even now. So, I played with it, the next day saw how I felt after sixteen, twenty, and when I got to thirty-two, “Oh, okay.” So, I got the message. I’m supposed to continue to chant thirty-two rounds, and I didn’t know how long it would continue. I thought, Maybe this is it for the rest of my life.

So, I kept chanting thirty-two rounds in Dallas, then in Houston, and eventually went back to Santa Barbara, and got more into my writing and editing. But that was good, that thirty-two rounds was for that special period. I should say compulsory for that special period. And the same visit when I went to Houston from Dallas, there was a japa workshop with Mother Narayani, and I participated, and that was very good. It was very good. Not the same as a retreat where you get away from everything, but it was good, it was good.

And I remember I was staying at a devotee’s house and I had tulasi in my room. I would always like to chant in front of tulasi, and those were just very special rounds, and I think after that workshop, they really were very special. And there were some devotees who were very serious about chanting with me, and having them chant with me actually enhanced the experience.

Usually, I’m wary about people chanting with me, because I’m afraid my mind will get distracted by their minds, but these devotees, and I experience that in other cases, if the devotee is very serious about chanting and absorbed, then it actually enhances my own experience of chanting, and then I agreed to participate in this, but within the last week or two, I read another letter from Mahatma Prabhu in which he said that we should periodically get away from our other activities and business and just focus on japa, and that really made sense.

At first, I thought, Okay, well, I’ve done this once. I’ve had an experience. I’ve done it once. But I realized this is something to do periodically. Many devotees try to go to the dhāma once a year, which actually made sense because it’s hard to maintain that focus when there are so many other activities, and people, engagements, and distractions. So, that made me think, Yes, this is something to do periodically. And I’m very much looking forward to this time away, to be with all of you and deepen our relationship with the holy name. Hare Krishna.