Tamal Krishna Goswami’s Disappearance Day Offering

Giriraj Swami: It is a very sacred occasion, and I am glad to see that the children are quiet now and attentive. It probably goes without saying, but everyone should turn off their cell phones, at least put them on vibrate mode.

Last year, after an absence of about eight years from India, I returned. And from the very beginning of the contemplation of the plan, I had in mind as a priority, as part of my pilgrimage, to visit the tree that Srila Gurudeva’s vehicle hit when he was driving from Mayapur to Calcutta on this very date some years ago. And so, it happened while driving from Calcutta to Mayapur. I stopped there, and it was a very intense experience. I think many of the emotions that many of the devotees felt came up in me at the time, seeing the tree. Initially, my reactions were anger and almost hatred for the tree. And as I was there, it went beyond the tree, obviously, to Srila Gurudeva. And in this sort of dialogue or contemplation, my question was, “Why did you leave us?” Very basic type of question, “Why did you leave us?” And then I thought, Well, was it really a conscious decision of his to leave us? And I thought, Even if it wasn’t a conscious decision, there must have been some desire, or at least some willingness. Otherwise, he couldn’t have left. Or to put it in other terms, Krishna or Prabhupada would not have forced him to leave. So, unless there was at least some willingness, he wouldn’t have left. Anyway, there was some sort of discussion, if you want to call it that, and then it came to the point that he had gone back to Godhead.

Now, standing there in his presence in some sort of way and, not just thinking he has gone back to Godhead but confronting the reality that he has gone back to Godhead, how should I feel? How do I feel? Well, I feel happy, he reached the goal, he went back to Godhead. How could I begrudge him going back to Godhead? How could I begrudge Krishna calling him back to Godhead? Or Prabhupada calling him? But still, I was also confronted with the fact that I was still where I was, and what about me? Which doesn’t sound like a very exalted consideration, but it was definitely there in me. “Okay, well, that is very good for you, you have gone back to Godhead, but what about us who are left behind?”

And then, in one sense, I got the most essential answer or instruction. Of course, the whole experience was extremely deep, but what followed was, in terms of instructions because we have been discussing about the instructions of the spiritual master, to gain the association of the spiritual master through following the instructions. So, then I got the answer that, “You will also be coming.” Then I felt, Well, that is not so bad then. If I get to go too, that is not so bad, I can live with that. And then came the instructions. And Srila Gurudeva had a way of phrasing instructions. Srila Prabhupada also had the same way of phrasing them in a sort of humble and gentle way. It is one of the ways of presenting instructions. And I felt he said, “You will also come, you just have to write your books, and give shelter to more souls, and work to improve japa.” And that was so clear and so vivid, and it seemed to encapsulate what was wanted of me in these next years, or however long we have. And so, those three instructions keep going through my mind, but with the instructions is the hope. And in fact, we all have the same hope. With the instruction comes the hope, or even confidence, that if I do follow those instructions, I will also join him, and Srila Prabhupada and our other devotees who have gone ahead.

So, I think of these three instructions a lot: write my books, well, I knew that, I had to write my books. Give shelter to more souls. Well, that was one that I had shied away from. Of course, this is not really to go into the topic of who are we to give shelter to souls, to anyone. But I do remember once, soon after Srila Gurudeva left, one of his disciples wrote me and said that, “You were very close to Srila Gurudeva and I want you to help take me to him.” And I got the letter, and I was thinking, How am I going to do this? And I thought about it a lot, I didn’t really get an answer how am I going to take this person to Srila Gurudeva. And I have a picture of Srila Gurudeva on my altar, next to my deity of Srila Prabhupada. So, I looked at the picture and I got the answer, at least I imagined I got this answer from Srila Gurudeva that, “You don’t have to try to bring that disciple to me, you just bring that disciple to Srila Prabhupada. And when the disciple reaches Srila Prabhupada, I will automatically be there.” And that seemed like something I could do because I was used to trying to bring people to Srila Prabhupada.

So, when we talk of giving shelter, I never think in those terms myself, I just think in terms of helping people approach Srila Prabhupada and his intimate associates such as Srila Gurudeva, and to follow their instructions, that is how I conceive of that. But still, there is a personal commitment when you try to help someone. Of course, you give instructions, but it is more than just the instructions that you give, it is the relationship. And it is a bit of a commitment. And it was one that, to some extent, I had shied away from because of my health and other factors. But anyway, that was the second one. And then the third one was about the japa. And as Bhurijana Prabhu always used to say, “The best way to learn something is to teach it.” So, the japa retreats and the japa workshops, and even the discussions of japa in class and outside class, they help. Whatever we desire, we have to talk about it, we have to think about it, we have to plan for it. And the same applies to japa. In so many of the japa workshops and japa retreats, devotees’ comments. . . Now it is not as true as it was when we first began, but they comment that they hardly ever talk about japa, even though it is the most essential instruction.

Srila Prabhupada wrote in one purport to Śrī Caitanya-caritāmṛta, “Of all the regulative principles, the spiritual master’s instruction to chant sixteen rounds daily is most essential.” And in the beautiful slideshow, we saw that very nice instruction of Srila Gurudeva about the importance of chanting sixteen rounds, that we shouldn’t avoid the commitment to chant sixteen rounds on the grounds that we can’t chant attentively. It is better to chant sixteen rounds even if you are unable to chant attentively than not to chant. And by chanting, gradually you will improve, you will get some mercy, gradually you will improve. Well, there were so many important instructions, but that was also an important instruction.

So, then there was more at the tree, but my whole attitude towards the tree, after having this sort of understanding about Srila Gurudeva and his destination and his position, my whole attitude toward the tree changed. And instead of seeing the tree as an instrument of cruel fate that took Srila Gurudeva away from us, I started seeing it as an instrument of the divine will for bringing Srila Gurudeva back to Godhead. And then I embraced the tree, like devotees do in Vrindavan with the understanding that the trees are kalpa-vṛkṣa trees, they embrace the trees. So, I actually embraced that tree, seeing it as an instrument, sort of like the precursor of the flower airplane. And then in Mayapur, it just came up by accident, if you believe in accidents, but some of the disciples from China asked to meet me in Mayapur, and then there were other disciples of Srila Gurudeva who also wanted to meet me. So, we arranged to have a meeting of all the devotees from China, which included some who were not disciples of Srila Gurudeva, and all of Srila Gurudeva’s disciples. But after the first part of the meeting, the other disciples from China who were not initiated by Srila Gurudeva, they had to leave anyway, to catch their flight, so I was left with Srila Gurudeva’s disciples.

And in the course of the discussion about how to feel Srila Gurudeva’s presence more and how to stay more united as disciples, that was a very big question, “How the disciples could stay more united?” And I responded by saying that the more we feel Srila Gurudeva’s presence, the more we will be united. Because when he was here, we were united with him as the center. So, if we keep him in the center and feel his presence, then naturally, we will be united as a family. But somehow, I am not sure how it happened, but one of the devotees brought up about the tree, that after Srila Gurudeva left, a disciple of Bhakti Tirtha Swami, I think it was Vrajalila; Vrajalila offered this devotee a twig from the tree. And when the disciple got that twig, the disciple was so angry at the tree, like I was at first, so angry at the tree, he just threw that twig back, “I don’t want to touch this, I don’t want to have anything to do with this tree.” And it fell on the ground. But then later, the disciple thought, it was Braja Sevaki Mataji, she felt the way she did, I don’t think she had any regrets about the way she reacted for herself, but she thought, “Well, maybe Vrajalila will take it. I just threw that twig back.” And then, maybe a day or two later, Vrajalila offered the same twig back to her. But again, she had the same emotional response, “I don’t want this. Why are you giving me this? This tree has taken Gurudeva away.”

Devotee: [Unintelligible 00:20:19]

Giriraj Swami: Yes, she was the disciple of Srila Gurudeva, and I believe it was Vrajalila or Vrindavan Lila who was the disciple of Bhakti Tirtha Swami.

Devotee: [Unintelligible 00:20:34]

Giriraj Swami: Yes, giving her the twig from the tree as a gift. So, even though within herself she wanted to just throw it again, but I think out of politeness she accepted it, but she wasn’t happy with it. And then, she also, sometime later, visited the site, she visited the tree. And I hadn’t told her anything about my visit to the tree, this just came from her. And she told me how her attitude towards the whole incident changed when she visited the site, and that she also became reconciled, not just intellectually, but emotionally, to what had happened. And consequently, her attitude toward the tree changed, because her attitude towards what the tree had served as an instrument for changed.

Now, as we have heard, the tree is in the area of Phulia. Phulia is a holy place for more than one reason, but for us it is most famous, or most appreciated because nāmācārya Srila Haridasa Thakura resided there for some time. But because of the circumstances, and it was already late so I couldn’t visit Phulia at the time. But I decided on my return journey from Mayapur to Calcutta, I will visit. And I did. And Phulia is a very special place. There is some history before the time of Haridasa Thakura, but Haridasa Thakura resided there, he had his bhajana-kuṭira there. And that is the place, some of you might have heard the story, that he was engaged in chanting hari-nāma, but there was a snake that was living there, and the devotees felt fearful because of the presence of the snake. So, out of deference to the devotees, Haridasa Thakura decided, “Okay, I will leave this place.” And just as he was about to leave, the snake came out and slithered away. And Srila Prabhupada explains that because of the presence of the Lord within the heart of the snake, He inspired the snake to leave, so Haridasa Thakura could stay without being disturbed. And Phulia is also the place where Mayadevi came personally to test Haridasa Thakura. There were two similar instances. One was when Ramachandra Khan sent the prostitute, and this one was very similar, but in this case, Mayadevi herself came to test Haridasa Thakura. And in the same way, he said, “I have to finish my rounds.” And then in the end, she got the mercy of Haridasa Thakura.

And the deity of Haridasa Thakura is beautiful. And having had that instruction from Srila Gurudeva about japa, I took the opportunity to especially pray to him there. And I asked Aghavit Prabhu, who was with Srila Gurudeva, what Srila Gurudeva did the last morning. And he said, “Basically, the whole time, he was chanting japa.” He got up early, they left quite early in the morning, and he said the whole time he was in a very serious mood and he was chanting japa. And what he remembers of Srila Gurudeva on the car ride was just that he was chanting japa. So, of course, that visit to Mayapur was famous for the kirtans, and kirtan is very important. We saw some of the pictures in the slideshow. But then the japa, just like Prabhupada said, it is not that japa is higher or lower than anything else or chanting is higher or lower than anything else, but the thing about chanting is that you can do it anywhere, at any time. He gave the example of deity worship. It is not that deity worship is less, all service is absolute, but for deity worship, you need deities, you need paraphernalia, you have to bathe, you have to have clean cloth, you have to be initiated, there are so many conditions. But with chanting, there are no conditions.

So, I guess that was my experience with the tree, with the place, with the incident. I also miss Srila Gurudeva. I have the instructions, I have the sense of purpose, and I have the hope, but still, we miss him on occasions like this, and other times when it just seems so hard without him, it seems like it would have been so much easier if he was here. And it seems there is no one else, and not even any combination of persons who can do quite what he could have done if he was here. And then we feel separation and miss him and wish he were here. But then we have to think that with the order of the spiritual master comes the potency to execute it. So, say here we have the challenge to keep the community together and further the mission and keep the devotees enlivened and enthusiastic. It is definitely a challenge without his personal presence. But again, he is present, and his instructions are there, and our desire is there. So, it is just a matter of surrendering to his instruction and being open to receiving his mercy, which comes when we take his instructions to heart and are ready to execute them without personal consideration of loss and gain. But yes, we do miss him.

So, now we have the puṣpāñjali? Somehow, I just thought of China, that was such an important part of Srila Gurudeva’s mission. Actually, when I met with the disciples in Mayapur and they were bringing up the issue, “How we can be more united?” And I said, “If we feel Srila Gurudeva’s presence, we will be more united.” And then I said, “The way we can feel his presence is if we talk about him.” And I was thinking of the memorial program we had in Carpinteria when Dharma Prabhu and Vrajesvari and Padma was there. And I really felt Srila Gurudeva’s presence, and His Holiness Shridhar Swami Maharaja’s presence because his disciple Mayapur dasa was there so we took the opportunity to remember both Shridhar Swami and Tamal Krishna Goswami and glorify them.

So, I said, “You should get together and talk about Srila Gurudeva, that will invoke his presence.” So, then this one disciple who I thought was a senior disciple from China, he said, “Well, we didn’t even have that much personal association with Srila Gurudeva. He came, but China is such a huge place, he would just spend a few days in each city. So, I might have been with him twice, just for a few days each time. And we don’t even have that much to say about him, we don’t have so much to remember about him and talk about.” And then that wise lady Candravali Mataji, who was also there, said, “Well, maybe some senior disciples of Srila Gurudeva who had more association should go there.” Here we almost take it for granted. Being Gurudeva’s disciple means we had a lot of association. But that is not true for so many of his disciples.

So, anyway. On this sacred occasion, I don’t know if Mother Candravali is willing, but if she needs any help with her ticket, I will definitely help. Anyway, our first priority.

Devotee: [Unintelligible 00:31:55]

Giriraj Swami: Well, that is good.

Devotee: [Unintelligible 00:31:59]

Giriraj Swami: So, anyway, if anyone gets a little thought or inspiration that they would like to go to China, let me know or His Holiness Ṛtadhvaja Swami, just let us know. I think it would be a great service that would please Srila Gurudeva and help his devotees there and his mission there.

Srila Gurudeva ki jaya!

Srila Prabhupada ki jaya!

Jagannatha dasa Babaji Maharaja ki jaya!

Nitai-Gaura premānande Haribol!

Devotee: Giriraj Swami Maharaja ki jaya!