The Purpose of Grihastha Ashrama, Couples’ Weekend

Giriraj Swami: Hare Krishna.

It is nice to see you all together. When I first joined the Boston temple in 1969 we were very young and not many of the devotees were married. We were so new to Krishna consciousness and so dependent on Srila Prabhupada that we asked him for guidance in every area. So one of the lady devotees named Balai dasi—she is still a very strong devotee in Los Angeles now—she had recently gotten married, and she wasn’t sure what her relationship with her husband should be, if she even had any special relationship with her husband. So she wrote to Srila Prabhupada and Prabhupada replied, “Yes, you do have a relationship with your husband like the right hand has a relationship with the left hand through the body.” In other words, here is the right hand, here is the left hand, but what connects them is the body. In this example the body is Krishna.

Sometimes Srila Prabhupada gave the example that all the different parts of the body, the different limbs of the body are meant to cooperate ultimately to get food and feed the stomach. So it is a very subtle difference but it makes all the difference in the world between having Krishna as the center and having ourselves in terms of false ego as the center. When we make ourselves the center, we have so many problems. We actually come into the material world out of envy of Krishna. We want to take the position of Krishna and be the enjoyer, the controller, the proprietor. So this is our mood in conditioned existence. When we come into the material world, we end up competing not only with Krishna but with so many other competitors of Krishna and that mood can enter the house. We are competing to be the enjoyers, to be the controllers, to be the proprietors, and it leads to conflict that so many imitation gods fighting for supremacy.

So the process of Krishna consciousness is really one of replacing the false identification with the body with the true realization of our identity as gopī-bhartuḥ pada-kamalayor dāsa-dāsānudāsaḥ, being the servant of the servant of the servant of the servant of Krishna.

Once a disciple asked Srila Prabhupada, “What do we do about conflicts amongst the devotees?” and Srila Prabhupada replied, “If each devotee thinks, ‘I am the servant of the servant of the servant,’ then there will be no more conflict.” So the same principle would apply in the home. If each member of the family thinks and feels, “I am the servant of the servant of the servant,” then the relationships will be very congenial, but of course that is a revolution in consciousness, because we come into the material world wanting to be the master of the master of the master, but that mentality leads to frustration, disappointment, and death, and repeated birth and death, whereas being the servant of the servant of the servant leads to happiness and ultimate liberation.

I first met Srila Prabhupada and the devotees when I was a university student in Boston. Soon after I began to associate with the devotees, I heard that Srila Prabhupada’s spiritual master, Srila Bhaktisiddhanta Sarasvati Thakura, had said that when you come to Krishna consciousness you become relieved of the burden of enjoyment. Now I was actually feeling that at the university because every weekend there would be very strong competition who could enjoy the most. Leading up to the weekend, all the students—for all I know the faculty as well—all the students were making plans how to enjoy. The plans included going to restaurants, going to movies, going to shows, going to parties—so many plans. The thing is I didn’t really like any of those activities and it was really a burden to have to enjoy like the others. And then they would come back, “What did you do? What did you do?” “Oh, I went here. I did that.” “Oh, you went to that party. What did you do?” God. Hare Krishna. 

So when I heard that when you become a devotee, you become relieved of the burden of enjoying, I could relate to that, because it was so artificial trying to enjoy like that. It was just very artificial, because as souls our real pleasure comes in relationship to the Supreme Soul. Love (prema) exists really in relation to Krishna. Bhakti-rasāmṛta-sindhu quotes a definition of prema or pure love that when all of one’s loving propensities and feelings are focused on one person, Krishna, that is the definition of love. 

There is a beautiful verse spoken by Queen Kunti in which she prays to Lord Krishna, “Please sever my attachments for my family members, the Vṛṣṇis and the Pandavas, and let my love flow to You without any impediment just as the Ganges flows into the ocean.” As one becomes serious in Krishna consciousness, this is really our prayer, “Let my love flow to Krishna without any hindrance just like the Ganges flows to the ocean.” 

Now these statements may raise some questions. I am sensing in the audience there are some questions because Kunti’s praying to the Lord, “Please sever my attachments for my family members. Let my love flow exclusively unto You without being diverted to anyone else,” what does that mean for our other relationships? In the purport Srila Prabhupada makes a very interesting point that Kunti’s family members were all devotees. Her brother was Vasudeva, the father of Lord Krishna, and Vasudeva and the Yadus, they were all devotees. She married Pandu and her five sons, the Pandavas, were all devotees. So, her parent’s side of the family were devotees, and her husband’s side of the family were devotees, and affection for devotees is not outside of the range of Krishna consciousness, of pure devotional service. So when Kunti prays, “Please let the ties of affection for my two families be severed,” what does she mean? Srila Prabhupada explains she means that she wants the affection which is based on the body to be cut. 

There are two categories of affection, one based on the body and one based on the soul, soul-to-soul through the medium of the Supersoul or the Supreme Soul. So when she prays, “Let the ties of affection for my family members be cut,” she means the affection that is based on the body so that only the affection that is based on the soul remains. 

The affection that is based on the body leads to bondage and death and the affection that is based on the soul leads to liberation and eternal life. So we don’t have to give up our family relationships but we want to purify them. We want the material aspect which is based on the body to be become less and less prominent and the spiritual aspect which is based on the soul, two souls, or three or four, through the medium of the Supreme Soul to become more prominent. And the more the spiritual aspect of our relationships become prominent, the more they become congenial to our happiness and to our ultimate success in life.

I just learned this quotation from Mother Arcana Siddhi Mataji, but I will try to repeat it because it seems very appropriate here. One authority on marriage said that marriage is not about happiness. Marriage is about marriage and marriage provides a situation in which we can find our own happiness. So we are here to work on our marriages. We are not in any illusion that marriage per say will bring happiness but we want to work on our marriage so that we can function well as parts of a unit, family unit, and within that unit, within the relative peace and congeniality and mutual support of that unit we can find our own inner happiness which is the only real happiness there is.

I am happy for all of you that you have come to the Couple’s Weekend. We have often heard at japa retreats, “I wish I had heard these things thirty years ago,” but better late than never. But I see here we have older couples and newer couples. So some may leave the retreat saying, “I wished I had heard these things thirty years ago,” but better late than never. And others may say, “I am so glad I attended this retreat earlier rather than later because I’ve been guided from the very beginning what different possibilities to expect and how to deal with them.” But the soul is eternal, Krishna consciousness is eternal, and our relationships which are based on Krishna consciousness are also eternal. So even if in a relative material sense we are starting late, it is never too late, and in relation to eternal time, we are just developing the proper mood of service, loving service which will continue into eternity. 

These bodies are just dress as we often hear. The identity is based on the bodies are just very temporary and illusory, but our real identities are as loving servants of Krishna and His devotees, and whatever we are doing here in the material world is just practice for our eternal life in the spiritual world where we will serve Krishna and His other devotees. As Srila Prabhupada said, say you are a high school student, but you are doing college level work, you can be promoted to college. So if we are in the material world and engaged in the activities of the spiritual world, you can be promoted to the spiritual world. And the basic activity of the spiritual world, of course in one sense is chanting the holy names of Krishna and glorifying Him, but in another sense it is rendering loving service to Krishna and the other servants of Krishna. The gṛhastha-āśrama is a very suitable place for practicing loving service which can serve to qualify us for eternal loving service in the spiritual world.

Hare Krishna. I really wish you all the best. I am really very, very happy that you are coming here for this association and opportunity. Hare Krishna. [applause]