Tamal Krishna Goswami’s Disappearance Day Festival

Giriraj Swami: Is a great honor to be here in Sri Sri Radha-Kalachandji dhāma, especially on this auspicious occasion in the association of so many wonderful and dear godbrothers dear to Tamal Krishna Goswami and disciples and devotees. I have learned much, as I always do, from the discussions of Srila Gurudeva and felt purified by hearing. Naturally the perspective of most of the talks by the godbrothers have been the perspective of godbrothers, although we all did see Tamal Krishna Goswami as our older brother and exemplar, and inspiration, and guide. But I thought to speak a little more from the perspective of a disciple who was with Tamal Krishna Goswami in his last weeks, and that is Agavitt Prabhu.

After Tamal Krishna Goswami left, Agavitt Prabhu asked if he could come and spend some time with me in Santa Barbara. I said yes, and I was very eager to spend time with him, to hear more about Tamal Krishna Goswami’s last weeks. And he was with him from the beginning; from when Tamal Krishna Goswami arrived in Calcutta. And he said that Tamal Krishna Goswami was in a very grave mood. Even on the way to Mayapur he wanted to stop and take bath in the Ganges. He just felt that he wanted to enter the dhāma in a more purified state, and there were some practical complications with the plan. And as we have heard from others and I also heard from Agavitt Prabhu, Tamal Krishna Goswami approached so many of his godbrothers. He had returned to Mayapur for the first time to attend the meetings in many years. He approached many of his godbrothers and, you know how it is in families, sometimes brothers quarrel and he wanted to clear any misunderstandings that had arisen between him and his godbrothers, and he did that.

And he also introduced the long three-hour kirtans in the evening, which became such an event that everyone wanted to attend. They began in his quarters and there was literally no space for people to fit in his quarters and eventually they had to move them to the temple room to accommodate more people. And that was also another example of Tamal Krishna Goswami being ahead. He introduced those three-hour kirtans, now it is twelve-hour kirtans, twenty-four-hour kirtans; but the three-hour kirtans were revolutionary at the time, and especially under the circumstances. And of course, he made his contribution in the meetings. He is always very intelligent. One godbrother commented that we do have GBC members who are very nice sadhus, but they don’t have that acumen that Tamal Krishna Goswami had. And then we have some godbrothers who are very shrewd, but they don’t have the Krishna consciousness that Tamal Krishna Goswami had, and that we really miss having that special combination.

But what Agavitt Prabhu told me, which is not so well known, was how Tamal Krishna Goswami was suffering during that last visit, physically. He was suffering tremendously physically, but he didn’t want people to know, especially his disciples. He didn’t want his disciples to know, because he didn’t want to cause them any pain or even to take a chance that their faith in him might be affected by their awareness of his physical difficulties. And he really went out of his way to avoid their knowing about his physical pain for the sake of their faith. And it was very painful what Tamal Krishna Goswami had to endure physically, and that was also painful for Agavitt Prabhu to witness, but he couldn’t say anything. He did try to convince Tamal Krishna Goswami to take some remedies, which Tamal Krishna Goswami did a little bit. Only if it could be done in a discreet way, but basically he was suffering a lot physically. And then there was, of course, the morning when he left by taxi, and then the accident. Agavitt Prabhu describes some things about it and the aftermath. The aftermath was also something revolutionary, because ISKCON being such a big movement with so many rugged individualists, there is always differences of opinion. But the way it happened that Tamal Krishna Goswami left on this auspicious day, Srila Jagannatha dasa Babaji Maharaja’s disappearance day, right at the end of the meetings and before the festival, the whole theme of the festival became Tamal Krishna Goswami. And the devotees were united in their expression of their appreciation for Tamal Krishna Goswami, their glorification of Tamal Krishna Goswami. And that was also something revolutionary that he did, and it is something that we hear about; the importance of glorifying Vaishnavas, the value of glorifying Vaishnavas, but that actually was done by the whole society. Thousands of devotees gathered in Mayapur and that is so purifying.

So I decided that when I went to India, and I had not been to India for a number of years, that I would visit the tree where the accident had taken place. And so when I finally did come to India, and was driving with Agavitt Prabhu from Calcutta to Mayapur, I was asking, “You have to stop the car when we get to the tree, I want to visit the tree.” So eventually we came to the tree, I got out and when I confronted the tree initially, I was very angry because I considered the tree to have been the instrument for the worst calamity of Tamal Krishna Goswami’s departure. And I cannot tell you how angry I was, and then at a certain point something changed. Now this is subjective, but I am trying to follow Srila Tamal Krishna Goswami’s advice to speak from your heart. Something changed and I felt Tamal Krishna Goswami manifest his presence. And I felt him say, or imagined he said that, “Prabhupada has called me to be with him, and you can also come.” So when I heard that, or imagined I heard that, I thought, Well that is not so bad. That is not bad at all. And then I imagine he said, “But before then, you have to do three things:

1.  You have to write your books

2.  You have to help people with their japa; which really means I have to help myself with my japa, and

3.  You have to give shelter to more souls.

So I took this as a blueprint, like Tamal Krishna Goswami giving me a blueprint what I have to do, even after his departure. He did it very often when he was present, but after his departure. And so I have taken those instructions to heart. Of course there is a lot in my heart, but I am trying to follow those instructions.

Now, I had one last conversation with Tamal Krishna Goswami on the telephone, just before he left for India for the last time, and it was a very long conversation. And in retrospect, I was very grateful for that conversation because in that conversation Tamal Krishna Goswami allowed me or rather, encouraged me to say everything to him. And it is like His Holiness Rtadvaja Swami said that you could give your heart to him and know that he would take care of it; he wouldn’t hurt it. And I considered him to be a real friend, like no other. So he was so loyal. He was fiercely loyal to Srila Prabhupada, but he was fiercely loyal to his friends as well. And in that conversation, he drew it out of me. Sometimes I am a little reserved but he drew it out of me. He asked such intelligent questions about every aspect of my life, even my sister and what is happening with this, what is happening with that, what is happening with this, what is happening with that. And he gave his perspective on the whole range of my internal and external activities. One of the items I mentioned was building a hospice in Vrindavan, and he said, “This is a very important project, I am very interested in this. If you like, I can be a trustee.”

Now, to come back some years earlier when Tamal Krishna Goswami decided to return to academia, and as others have commented and as many of us have experienced, when he got into something he got others into it as well, or at least he made a case to get them into it as well. So he was saying, because I had surgery I couldn’t resume my previous duties exactly, “Why don’t you go to the university?” And then somehow this subject of death and dying came up. Maybe because even back then there was some interest in doing the hospice, and he said death and dying is a really big field, you should make death and dying your field. It is really big and you could be a specialist in it. At the time I didn’t relate to it; I heard it, I have heard everything he said always, but I didn’t immediately relate to it. But now I am just completing a book on that subject, and it is not just for devotees, it is really for people outside the devotee community. And this is where I really miss him. Just yesterday, I read a quotation from Albert Einstein which I think is very relevant. And Professor Einstein said that a person who has never made a mistake is someone who has never tried anything new. When you try something new you are bound to make mistakes. I was actually very heartened; it was such a small thing but I was very heartened when I heard Tamal Krishna Goswami asked Rtadvaja Swami whether he snored. Maharaja answered and then Tamal Krishna Goswami said. “Well, all right, we will try it.”

So sometimes you try things and you don’t know exactly what the result will be. You do make mistakes. Whether you call them mistakes or not, you do have to make adjustments. And especially when we enter that realm of trying new things or facing new challenges, that we miss Tamal Krishna Goswami. But we do have his presence in different ways; his samadhi, his pictures, his godbrothers, his disciples. He can manifest his will or his instructions to us, through them. So we are not bereft but, at the same time, it is not quite the same as when you could just go to that one person, and it was so easy; just ask him and he gives you the answer. Now, it takes more work; prayer, surrender, humility, but it is possible. And that is also part of his training of us, to break us of that false ego that makes us think, Oh, I can figure this out by myself, I don’t need anyone to help me.

So now, so many years later, I think we are about fifteen years later after he said, “Why don’t you make death and dying your field; make it your specialty,” I am thinking that is so amazing, he said that fifteen years earlier and I had no plan as such, and then just in the last year, less than a year just one thing after the other, directed me in a direction that I never intended to go in. So I am very encouraged that with this ongoing relationship of service to him, and I am in awe that fifteen years ago he could make that suggestion which seemed out of the question to me at the time, and now it is actually coming to pass. And I am actually feeling that, although I not at the time but now in retrospect, I am feeling he is probably the one behind all these arrangements; speaking to people I don’t really speak to that much. By the way, I just mentioned it to Anutama Prabhu. I said I need someone to write the forward and he said, “Oh, you should get someone from the field, not another devotee, someone from the field.” Okay, then who? He is so munificent; his magnanimity is not diminished in the least by his physical departure. In fact, I would say it has increased. He can give so much, as he is now, without any restrictions of the body, the limitations of the body, and the tribulations of the body, and without the complexities of the institution, the corporate structure. And he just can, and does, and he is just giving and giving and giving and giving. And all we have to do is take it. And he showed us the example of how to be fit recipients for that kind of mercy. And as so many of the other speakers have said, it is surrender and humility. It is giving up one’s false ego, and being ready to give everything to guru and Krishna and he is there for all of us.

Hare Krishna.