SB 10.9.19 – Srila Prabhupada’s Disappearance Day

Giriraj Swami: It is an honor and privilege to be here on this occasion. It is the first time for me here, and just coming to the Manor, I could feel Srila Prabhupada’s presence pervading every molecule of the place and the devotees’ lives here. When Srila Prabhupada was here in 1977, I was in Bombay. When he arrived, of course, he was in a very emaciated physical condition. The devotees took him to his room, and after the others left, he asked me to stay for a minute or two. The first thing he said was about England and the kirtans at Bhaktivedanta Manor. He said the kirtans were wonderful and that he couldn’t control his tears. Last month, I was discussing how instructive his presence was, as one devotee commented. He taught us everything; he also taught us how to die. But within that, he taught many other lessons which I will try to touch upon.

Perhaps in May, I will go back a little earlier. When Srila Prabhupada was in Juhu, his health was very good, and he would always call the devotees together to discuss important decisions, even regarding his own health, travels, and treatments. The question was whether he should stay in Bombay until the temple opened or go to Vrindavan. Different disciples were presenting different opinions. In the end, it was concluded that Srila Prabhupada would go to Vrindavan. One of his senior devotees said, “If Srila Prabhupada, the other devotees hear that you are going to Vrindavan to leave your body, they may want to come and be with you.” Srila Prabhupada said, “They can come.” He said, “But then again, there may be some other disciples who feel that by staying where they are and distributing books, they can please me more.” Srila Prabhupada said, “Yes, they can stay and distribute books.” Then someone said, “Well, if they all come, where will we accommodate them?” “Oh, Fogla ashram is there.” So then he went.

There was this critical time, going back a little earlier, when Srila Prabhupada stopped eating and even drinking. He had mentioned that when his father wanted to leave his body, he had stopped eating and drinking. Srila Prabhupada had a personal servant named Upendra who quite innocently said, “Srila Prabhupada, you have to drink.” “Why do I have to drink?” “Well, if you don’t drink, you will become dehydrated.” Abhirama was also involved there, and Prabhupada said, “So, do you want me to drink?” “Yes, Srila Prabhupada.” “Call the GBC.” It wasn’t just a simple thing that he would drink or not; it really meant more than that. So Abhirama informed Tamal Krishna Goswami, and eventually, the senior devotees came into the room. Up until then, the whole mood in Vrindavan had been, “Whatever Krishna wants,” because that was Srila Prabhupada’s mood “Whatever Krishna wants.”

In fact, once a disciple asked Srila Prabhupada, “You said that your guru Maharaja left early because he was disgusted with some of his senior disciples. Is that the case with you?” Srila Prabhupada said, “No, if Krishna allows me to stay in your company, I will be very happy.” So, that was sort of the mood—whatever Krishna wants. Then Srila Prabhupada stunned us all by saying, “Krishna has given me the choice,” which was very different. Then Srila Prabhupada asked us to go out, consult, and come back with our decision. We went out into the front room of the secretary’s area, and Kirtanananda Swami actually saw the whole thing very clearly. He said, “If Krishna has given Srila Prabhupada the choice, and if Srila Prabhupada is giving us the choice, then we should tell Srila Prabhupada that we want him to stay with us.” The devotees became very enlivened. Up until then, the mood was quite hopeless. “Yes, we want you to stay and lead this movement and finish Śrīmad-Bhāgavatam.”

Then one devotee said, this is in the front area, not all the GBCs there. And Brahmananda gave him an elbow and said, “What GBC man is going to object to asking Prabhupada to stay?” So, the whole group went back in. Prabhupada said, “So, you have consulted and decided?” Kirtanananda Swami, as the senior, was chosen, but he broke down crying and couldn’t speak. I think Brahmananda was behind him, rubbing his back, and said, “Well, no, Srila Prabhupada, if Krishna is giving you the choice and you are giving us the choice, then we say don’t leave.” Prabhupada said, “You have all consulted and decided?” “Yes.” Then Srila Prabhupada was silent, considering the appeal. Then, in a very nonchalant manner, he yawned and said, “All right.” The devotees were jubilant.

But then coming towards November, just leading up to Govardhana-puja, Srila Prabhupada said that he wanted to go to Govardhana Hill for Govardhana-puja. He said so many vrajavāsīs would be going, and we should also go. He asked Lokanath Swami to arrange a bullock cart because he had been doing bullock cart saṅkīrtana. At that stage, the leading disciples sort of divided into two groups. One group felt that if they took Srila Prabhupada by bullock cart, he wouldn’t survive the trip. On top of that, he wanted to camp out at Govardhana. They were against his going. The other group felt it is not our duty to question the instruction of the spiritual master; it is our duty to execute the order. It was a very emotional time, and on this issue, feelings ran very high.

I myself was confused because, on one hand, Triveda Prabhu and Varadraj Prabhu, some of my senior godbrothers were against it, and on the other side, Tamal Krishna Goswami and Bhakti Charu Swami, Bhakti Svarupa Damodara Swami who were also senior godbrothers, were in favor. In terms of services, I was more associated with them in India, but I was confused. I didn’t know. Finally, it was the night before Srila Prabhupada was supposed to leave for Govardhana. The bullock cart was positioned out in front of the temple, and the devotees were saying, “Akrura is coming to take Krishna from Vrindavan, stop this.” Prabhupada was adamant; he was not budging in his determination.

Finally, the close servants, Tamal Krishna Goswami and Bhakti Charu Swami, decided that when Krishna dasa Babaji Maharaja, Srila Prabhupada’s godbrother, came to visit that evening, they would present their case. Babaji Maharaja came, and Bhakti Charu Swami was speaking with him. In the meantime, Tamal Krishna Goswami and Brahmananda Maharaja had been upstairs discussing. They were in anxiety. They came down and said, “Srila Prabhupada, we’ve been in so much anxiety. We are just beside ourselves. The road is so bumpy, and even if we put a mattress on the bullock cart, you will be jolted, and your health is so delicate.” Anyway, Prabhupada said, “So, you want me not to go?” They said, “Yes.” He said, “All right, I do not want to put you in anxiety.” He said to Krishna dasa Babaji Maharaja, “See how much they love me.” So, that was concluded. The devotees were relieved, but that sort of controversy continued. It continued up until Srila Prabhupada left, and even after he left, I was still sort of confused. So maybe a day or two after Srila Prabhupada left, I went into his room, his bedroom where he left for Vrindavan, and I was chanting japa.

Just before Prabhupada had left, the latest volume of Śrīmad-Bhāgavatam had come, and the 10th Canto, part two that was in the thirty volume set. So I was chanting behind Prabhupada’s bed, and my eyes happened to fall on that volume that had come, and you could recognize it because it had gold gilding. I picked it up, and not thinking much, I opened it up. The verse that came in front of my eyes, to my mind, answered my question, and I will read that verse. It was of even greater significance to it. It turned out this was Śrīmad-Bhāgavatam, Canto Ten, Chapter Nine, “Mother Yasoda Binds Lord Krishna,” Text Nineteen. I read just the translation:

“O Mahārāja Parīkṣit, this entire universe, with its great, exalted demigods like Lord Śiva, Lord Brahmā and Lord Indra, is under the control of the Supreme Personality of Godhead. Yet the Supreme Lord has one transcendental attribute: He comes under the control of His devotees. This was now exhibited by Kṛṣṇa in this pastime.”

So I thought, this is the answer because just as Krishna comes under the control of His devotees, Srila Prabhupada also came under the control of his devotees. There is another aspect to this what Srila Prabhupada taught us at the end, as we recite every day in the Dāmodarāṣṭakam, is that for those interested in Krishna’s majesty and opulence, Krishna showed that He comes under the control of His devotees’ love, which is free from such conceptions.

Now, of course, Krishna-līlā looks different because in the Vrindavan, devotees forget that Krishna is the Supreme Personality of Godhead, and they think, “He is my son,” whatever their relationship is. So with the spiritual master, there is always an awareness that he is our spiritual master, but still, Srila Prabhupada was trying to bring us to a higher platform of a more spontaneous love, which is sort of the message of the Dāmodarāṣṭakam instructions. Because he was so powerful, and he said he wanted to go to Govardhana. People would say, “You will die out of exertion.” He would say, “I will be cured.” It is like this, how could you argue against Srila Prabhupada? But within their hearts, the devotees, or maybe Prabhupada brought it out, they just had that spontaneous feeling of love, and they were convinced on a practical level that he could not survive that arduous journey. I believe that was part of what Prabhupada was doing, and the way he confirmed it at the end. When Tamal Krishna Goswami said, “Srila Prabhupada, the way you deal with us is just bringing out our love for you more and more,” Srila Prabhupada said, “That is my duty.” But even that duty, it is like duty and love all mixed together.

So, I felt that in this last pastime, during the month of Damodara, and that Damodara pastime took place on the day of Diwali according to the Sanatana Gosvami, which is the day before Govardhana-puja, which was the day that this whole exchange took place, and Srila Prabhupada agreed not to go. I think it was meant to help us draw out those feelings. I have one regret. I felt that I hadn’t acted on that platform. This is little earlier. I was taking rest on the terrace, and a devotee, Srila Prabhupada’s servant called me and said, “Prabhupada wants to see you.” It was such a time that we thought Prabhupada could leave at any moment. Any word that Srila Prabhupada spoke could be his last.

So he asked, lying on his bed, “Do you think this movement will go on without me after I leave?” I replied, “As long as the devotees are sincere and chant Hare Krishna and follow the regulative principles, it will go on.” Srila Prabhupada responded, “Organization. Intelligence, and organization.” My understanding was, of course, we have to chant our sixteen rounds and follow the regulative principles—that is the basics—but we also have to be organized and intelligent to spread Krishna consciousness, which he very much wanted us to do. Then he said, “Is there anything else?” Within my heart, I was like screaming, “Srila Prabhupada, please don’t leave us,” but at that time, the whole mood was, “Whatever Krishna wants.” I thought and said, “No, there nothing else?” and I offered my obeisances and left. But then later, during those final few days, we collectively, a number of us, came to that understanding that Prabhupada was trying to pull us a little bit beyond just that vidhi, rules, and regulations, to be able to feel some love for him and express that love for him.

So anyway, you all together embodied Srila Prabhupada’s presence, you carry him in your hearts in these gatherings. I mean, I know this, so I guess I would say, I mean it is a little backwards in this situation, but like I should have said, “Srila Prabhupada, don’t leave us,” but I would say to you, “Yes, don’t leave me behind.”

Hare Krishna. [Applause]